Good Grief

Hurt. I feel mine right in the middle of my ribs and at the base of my sternum. It's an uncomfortable pressure that swells and contracts in different circumstances. Right now, it's pretty big. It's the feeling you would get right after someone punched you and all of your blood rushed to that place. It's…

Overwhelmingly Triggered

There are times where I find myself being more honest with myself than others. I open my journal expecting to pour out my heart and soul only to find that I've barely scratched the surface of what I truly feel. Other times, I can put specific, unfiltered words down that scream the cries of my…

Window of Tolerance

It happens suddenly. You feel the chill of a fan, you hear the closing of a door or the quiet of the night. The flickering of the TV gives you flashbacks to a time you don't want to remember. The ending of movies triggers a finality that seems scary. The nighttime routine that's thrown off…

The Sadness in Hard

Let me assure you, my first instinct is never to allow a candid photo of myself. In fact, I do everything in my power to destroy any evidence that a smile isn’t permanently glued to my face or my hair isn’t always perfect. Call it vanity, but candid photos always seem to capture the things…

Exhausting and Exhausted

Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I am exhausting. I hate the reality of both of those statements. I hate that I feel exhausted and I hate that I am exhausting to other people. It feels like an identity I never wanted. There are a lot of things in my life that I haven't wanted, but…

The face of anxiety

The face of anxiety looks different every time. Today, it's lightly makeup-ed, pretty clear, wide-eyed, but barely able to give a smile. Today, it's sweetly lying to the people around me when they ask if I am okay. It's saying, "I'm fine, just tired" when it really wants to scream, "I'm so anxious I can…

TO: the season of hard

Weakness. I can feel it from the inside out. My eyes are drained and my stomach is empty. Being confined to a room for even this short of time has left me anxious and feeling alone. I'd like to say that these are simply side effects of the stomach virus, but I don't think that's…

granted; there is grace

When I began writing this blog I chose the theme to be "the aftermath of hard." I guess it was wishful thinking to believe that hard would be a thing of the past; that I needed only to handle what followed hard – not more hardness in itself. I can say that the aftermath of…

Outlet

When I think of the word outlet, I immediately have flashbacks to the JC Penny outlet my grandmother carted me to all throughout my childhood. I remember trying on shoes, hiding in racks of clothing, and being absolutely bored out of my mind. I loathed going shopping — especially in a store designed to provide…

They need Him

They've got this whole thing turned around. They aren't bothered by the spilled alcohol, the sickness, the emptiness. They aren't aware of the void that they possess, and how alcohol enters and exits like a tidal wave. They have empty eyes; bloodshot eyes; sad eyes. They put their stomachs through hell so that their mind…